Recalculating

gps-800x445If you’ve been following me for a while and are still here after a pretty inactive year — thank you.

I thought a good way to get back into the groove would be to share a little about why I didn’t post during the second half of 2018.

Reason 1) Much of what I felt inspired to write about was already being written about by women of color — particularly black and indigenous women. I hate it when WOC speak and write about a particular topic or situation and it is COMPLETELY ignored —  until a white person speaks or writes about it. Instead of adding my voice to the mix, I chose to amplify WOC voices by sharing them here (when they were in blog form) or on my Facebook page or Instagram. Unless there is something constructive I can add to the conversation, I’ll be continuing this practice moving forward.

Reason 2) Health. I have lived with multiple sclerosis (MS) for 14 years. There have been moments when it really sucked.  But, overall, I am more mobile than I expected to be at this point in the journey – and VERY grateful that is the case. A secondary symptom of MS that many people don’t know about is Fatigue.  I’m not talking about, “I’m tired. Let me grab a nap.” I’m talking about the kind of fatigue you feel when you have a bad case of the flu and moving seems impossible; the kind of fatigue where walking feels like you’re wading through cement; the kind of fatigue where showering is a Big Win. Fatigue makes everything more difficult, including writing.

Reason 3) Half way through 2018, my internal guidance system began softly whisperingrecalculating that it was time to make some changes. But, change requires energy. And when I wasn’t even sure I had the energy to shower, shaking things up ……. well, seemed out of reach.

As ongoing projects and activities evolved, including changing in purpose, I ignored the difference. After all, what they evolved into wasn’t bad. And in many cases, the new form was exactly what others needed. It just wasn’t what I needed. I continued putting my limited energy into things that were no longer feeding my soul. Doing so, kept me from fully seeing what parts of my life needed tweaking or releasing and added to the fatigue.

Throughout the year, various experiences nudged me towards where I was supposed to be. But, even as I recognized the joy and “rightness” of them, I failed to change course. I didn’t “get” that making room for what was calling my spirit  — that letting go of what no longer served me — would feed into my energy tank more than it would take from it..

Route Recalculating

In December I participated in an amazing online writing workshop series through PeoplesHub. Ebony Noelle Golden’s “Writing the Evolution: Rituals for Narrative Liberation” series was the medicine my soul needed on so many levels. I am grateful that it got me back into writing. I’ve never taken a writing workshop and the exercises and homework were very helpful – particularly, the unedited writing. THAT is something I find really difficult. Even when I know it will never be seen by eyes other than my own, I tend to edit what I’m writing and thus, what I am thinking. The workshops showed me how unedited writing triggers my imagination and builds a stronger connection with what I really want.

Therefore, I’ve made a commitment to do unedited writing at least every other day. It gets me out of my head for a while and away from “writing for an audience.” Sometimes I write about what I’m feeling.  Sometimes about what is happening in my life and the world. Other times I use writing prompts drawn at random or pull a tarot card and use its theme as the prompt. The intention is to write without my internal editor kicking in. If I choose to return to what I’ve written later in the day, it is to see what themes came up. Not to correct anything.

I’m also bringing ritual to all of my writing. Treating it like the spiritual practice it should be for me. Sometimes there is a candle. Sometimes crystals. Sometimes small figurines of goddesses related to creativity. Trusting the process of writing as a form of medicine and as a way to bring more magic into my life.

Through this practice, I have started listening to the guidance prompting change. I’m dropping things I should have dropped last year. Slowly tweaking and reworking that which feels like it still belongs. Reclaiming the power I willingly gave away when I was tired and deferring was the easier course. I am moving slowly, noting what does and doesn’t nourish.

For now, I am trusting that this blog is still part of the path I am supposed to be walking.

Blessings.
Deb

jan 2019

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